


'Worthless'

by Nerdy_On_Ice



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Bad Writing, Depressing, Depression, Don't Read This, Eating Disorders, I cried while writing this, I'm sorry., Language, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This is my first fic so I'm sorry if it's terrible, extremely sad, sorry if i made you cry, unnecessary swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 06:22:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9422345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdy_On_Ice/pseuds/Nerdy_On_Ice
Summary: After Phil 'commits suicide' Dan is left behind with his own thoughts. (Slightly based off of 'The Reichenbach Fall' epsiode of BBC's Sherlock.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for self hatred, graphic depictions of self harm, suicide, referenced eating disorder, etc...

"Hey Phil can you pass me a pen?"  
  
"Um, sure!"

Phil had just awoken from a daydream. Coming to his senses he threw a small pen across the room over to Dan.

"Thanks."

Dan was scribbling something onto a notepad. Phil was too tired to ask what he was doing.

"I'm gonna head to bed." Dan stuttered out through a yawn. It was almost midnight, they had a pretty long day recording videos.

"Okay beautiful. I think I might do the same." Phil responded before his brain could process what he had just said.

"What did you call me?" Dan asked, peering over his shoulder at his best friend.

_FUCK. Did I REALLY just say that out loud._

"Nothing, sorry I'm just exhausted."

"Okay.. See you in a bit Phil.."

"Goodnight Dan."

Both boys headed to their rooms and collapsed. Dan fell asleep quickly, but Phil was laying in bed wide awake.

_FUCK! I did it again! What the hell is wrong with me!_

All Phil wanted was for his mind to go numb. His thoughts were consuming every part of his being, there was no escape.

This wasn't the first time that Phil has accidentally let out the truth. For the past month Phil couldn't seem to keep his mouth shut.

_But how can I help it?_

_His fringe_  
His body  
His SMILE.

Yet every time Phil would accidentally mutter "I love you" or call Dan "love." without thinking, Dan would give him the weirdest look.

_Confusion_  
Wonder  
It even resembles disgust..  
Why.......

_What is wrong with me? Will Dan ever be able to see me the way I see him?_

_Who am I kidding. He's perfect, how could he love me. I'm worthless._

_He has a slender beautiful body.  
I'm fat, disgusting._

Phil got up and moved across his room like a zombie. He looked into the mirror. Scanning his body noticing every imperfection, everything he despised about himself. He looked at his fat body, his ugly scars..He looked down at his wrist, memories flooding his mind of the blade that cut into his pale almost translucent skin. The blood running down his arm. The familiar pain it brought that would scare away the demons taking over him. Even if it was only for a few moments. Phil remembered every time he had tried to starve himself, and every time he sat alone crying wishing he was someone people could love.  
  
_Dan's smile can bring light and joy to anyone it comes across._

_Mine puts me down daily. Tells me I should be better.. Who am I to ever think he could  
love me.._

Finally the tears started to fall. Phil broke down ran to his bed and muffled his sobs into a pillow.

_Why does he put up with me anyway... He would be better without me.. I'm a failure.. I'm worthless..._

_If only I could disappear for a just a little while.._

Phil wiped his tears away. Suddenly he felt numb. Everything was gone, nothing but sadness left inside him. He stared over his clock. It was 3:30 A.M.

_I'm worthless...._

Phil suddenly willed himself to move. He felt empty, yet kept going. He could have. been the living dead. His eyes were cold and dark. You could even describe them as lonely. Not filled with the usually light and laughter he brought. He moved like a soldier. Every move he choreographed in his mind just to get to his dresser, Just to make sure he didn't collapse. He got dressed and headed out the door making sure not to wake Dan. Phil let his feet guide him as he walked through the streets of London. Cold and alone.


	2. Chapter 2

I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock.   
_Beep_  
 _Beep_  
 _Beep_  
I crawl out of bed and shut off the alarm. After getting dressed I go down to the kitchen hoping to find Phil. His smile could always brighten me up and get me ready for the day. Sadly he's not here...

"Phil? Are you there?" Suddenly the house seems very uncomfortable. My voice sounding high pitched, and frightened. As if I have never been home alone before. Like a child wishing their Mum would come home

I spend half an hour looking around the house. Shouting his name hoping that he was just hiding, maybe playing a practical joke. It isn't funny.

Yet he isn't here.

_Maybe he went out to grab some groceries. He could have just needed to get something at the shop. Oh god please tell me he is okay._

Or maybe I should just send him a message.

_Jesus Christ Dan. Stop overthinking things._

I grab my phone and send Phil a message

**Hey Phil. Where are you? At least leave me a note before you go out. I'm freaking the fuck out.**

After sending the message I sit down with a bowl of cereal and turn on the first episode of 'Yuri!!! On Ice'.

After humming along to the theme. I begin giggling uncontrollably. This series always makes me do that. The silly characters and obvious gay atmosphere makes me laugh. And the beautiful animations of the skating has you pleading for more. The episode is almost over when..

_Ding!_

I got a message.  
I snatch up my phone hoping for a response from Phil. Instead, I found that   
I got a message from an old friend. That message ruined me.

**Hey Dan are you okay? I mean, You probably aren't.. I'm so sorry about Phil.. But I'm here for you if you need me.**

_W H A T_

I immediately run for the T.V spilling my cereal and turn on the news.

_Come on if something happened to Phil and my friend knows about it it has to be on here.._

I already have tears in my eyes. But what can I expect. Phil is my best friend, and he's in danger.

The minute the news loads up. I burst into tears.

** Young Youtuber Phil Lester commits suicide, jumping off of St. Bart's Hospital with no warning or Note **

_THIS CANT BE FUCKING REAL.  
This is a nightmare right.._

_  
right......_

My tears soak the couch cushions. I cry for about two hours before I become too dehydrated to shed another tear.

I slap myself so hard it bruises my cheek.

_THIS IS A DREAM_

_THIS IS ALL ONE BIG FUCKING HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE THAT WILL BE FIXED ALL AS SOON AS I_

_WAKE_

_UP_

I probably look like a child having temper tantrum. Lying alone and cold on my couch clinging to a pillow.

I awkwardly get up and move. My legs almost give out after not standing for three hours straight.

I go to the kitchen to grab a cup of water so that I'm not totally dehydrated. After drinking the entire cup I sit down and fall into the deep void that is my thoughts.

_Why._

_Why would he ever feel like he wasn't worth it_

_How could he ever get so low that he was tired of living._

_Why do I even exist if Phil isn't here._  
Why did I survive when he didn't.  
Why couldn't it have been me.

_Just why._

My thoughts explode into shards of glass lodging into my brain. Each shard causing more pain, more suffering, and endless more thoughts to help shred the remainder of my mind.

I don't know what time it is.  
I don't know how long I have been sitting here.   
But I refuse to look at my phone  
Or my T.V. Or the Laptop.

I refuse to look at anything that can connect me to the rest of the world.

I lay on the couch, the dried tears irritating my skin. I don't know how long it took, but I was finally able drift off into a deep dreamless sleep..


End file.
